Title: Oh, What Did Miss Muffet Say?
Author: Vesper (Regina)
Warnings: none
Category: Story, Humor
Summary: Scully meets an unusual character.
Disclaimer: (Not mine, will never be mine.) They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, 20th Century Fox, David Duchovny, and Gillian Anderson, (who would probably kill someone if she ever had to film a scene like this). I make no profit from this.
Archival: If you wish to archive, please link to my website. Please keep all my headers intact.
Note: This is a bit of disconnected silliness, spawned from the depths of my subconscious. First fanfic, and it shows.

It seemed like days since Scully had seen sunlight. She and Mulder had broken into an abandoned warehouse full of cobwebs, corridors, and confusing turns, all because Mulder had received a tip from yet another person who stood in the shadows.

That had been in the early morning. It was now late night and they had been stuck in the dark with a pair of dim-watted flashlights all because Mulder had forgotten to replace the batteries. They were the type of flashlights kids would tell ghost tales with and at that moment that's what Scully felt she was stuck in--a ghost story. Caterpillars crawled up her spine when Mulder, behind her, touched her lightly on the shoulder.

He whispered, "I think we should split up and search for those files separately. Much quicker that way."

Scully raised an eyebrow, yet whispered back, "All right, Mulder, but if I wind up wound up in a cobweb, with a spider just aching to sink its fangs into me, I will personally chop you into tiny pieces and send you to Cancerman in a pretty box."


"Not when I'm done with you."

He shuddered melodramatically.

They went their separate ways. And moments later, Scully did indeed get entangled in a very silky web. She cursed herself for not silently invoking 'knock on wood' for her imprudent remark.

She almost screamed when a very large, very (contrary to popular belief) friendly-looking spider dropped down beside her. The only thing that stopped her was the thought that she had her gun. She shakily held it in front of her. She almost screamed again when the spider asked curiously:

"Who are you?"

Choking her scream back, she told herself, "Dana, you're having a dream." Her other self answered, "But I want to wake up."

"Just stay calm and go with the flow," she replied.

The spider spoke again.

"Who are you?"

The scream came and went as a weak gasp.

"D-d-dana Sc-c-cully, F-f-f-B. I. a-agent."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm investigating with my partner."

"What are you investigating?"

She thought, "A wild goose chase."

She said, "Uh, paranormal matters."


"Because that's what we do."

"Is your partner nice?"

"Yes, he is."

"Is he handsome?"


"You know what?"


"I think you like him."

"Of course I like him, he's my friend."

"Oh, but I meant like, love, him."

She thought, "It has a point there."

She said, "That's absurd!"

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

She thought, "Great, a Shakespeare quoting spider. What was the world coming to? So what? I'm not going to let a spider get the best of me."

She said, "Listen to me, you intelligent, incorrect arachnid, I am and always have been my own person. I have always been able to think for myself and form my own opinions. I know my mind inside and out, and believe me, I think I would know if I loved him. I know when I love whom I love. So there."

A disheveled, cobweb and dust-covered Mulder walked in, his flashlight already fading out, on the threads of this speech. The spider immediately hauled itself up into the shadows.

"Who were you talking to, Scully?"

"Um, nobody."

Then, curious, Scully asked him, "How much did you hear?"

"Just something about knowing when you love, you love, something like that. So, Scully, I see that you forgot to say knock on wood, and consequently, I'm getting mailed to Cancerman."

"What? Oh, the spiderweb. Get me loose, will you, Mulder?"

"Anything, just as long as you brush this stuff off me, too?"